You haven’t really lived as a mother until you have survived your first mommy-shaming birthday party. What does one look like, you may ask. Allow me to offer a few examples of what you might hear:
“Oh, yes, we only use bamboo and wool diapers.”
“Does your child attend the Jewish Montessori preschool?”
“No sugar or food dye for our son!”
Last year our family attended such an event, and I literally thought my ears might fall off from the weight of collective pride pouring into them. Every mother seemed focused on a particular agenda and, if you were nearby, you were going to hear about it.
I think this is part of the bigger lie that our culture projects onto mothers: you not only have to have it together ALL the time, but you also have to make sure everyone else knows you do.
Needless to say, I have never run from a party faster than I did that day.
—
This past weekend, I helped host a baby shower, and I couldn’t help but ponder how little I knew about motherhood before my first child was born. And yet, I was much more confident in those early days.
In academics, it’s no secret that we are all pursuing knowledge, and it’s generally agreed that the more you know, the better you are at teaching young minds.
In motherhood, however, the opposite seems to be true. The longer you are a mother, the less you feel prepared for any given moment.
Recently, my son reminded me of this truth when, before my very eyes, he accidentally tumbled into a swimming pool at a friend’s birthday party. Despite all of the precautions we had taken and the endless warnings we had offered our son, the unthinkable happened. As I saw his motionless body – just out of reach – sink, my mind reflected on all the moments I have felt equally powerless over the first three years of my motherhood journey.
Miraculously, another mother in the pool was able to save my son before he swallowed any water. And, from the comfort of an oversized beach towel in my arms, a special child excitedly shared his adventure – over, and over, and over again.
In that moment, uncertainty gave life to experience.
—
Some days we will be tempted to tell the world about our mothering, and others will leave us wanting to hide behind an obnoxiously large diaper bag. I would argue that the sweet spot of vulnerability is somewhere in between.
And, every so often, you will see that little boy – the one whose mother espoused a gluten- and flavor-free existence – devouring a piece of cake smothered with cheap red icing, and you will discover the truth your heart knew all along: the perfect mother doesn’t exist.
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True words: no such thing as a perfect mother .. or person. 🙂
Lovely post, thank you.
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Beautiful Article on Mother.
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Brilliant post and very relevant to modern day motherhood. It really is far to easy to go around with an air of superiority, to make up for your own perceived downfalls as a parent.
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Haha, must be one hell of an experience. But one thing I’m sure of is that you’re a great parent. 🙂
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Thank you for your encouragement. Parenting adventures are pretty surreal sometimes!
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For now, I can only imagine them. 😉
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Haha being a mother sounds so much like social media marketing
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Truth!
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Good points made well! I hope these realizations allow you to enjoy parenting a little more!
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Thank you. Yes, the blog has been wonderful for keeping me accountable in seeing the bright side of challenging, yet incredibly rewarding years!
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🙂
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THANK you!! Refreshing perspective 🙂
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” I would argue that the sweet spot of vulnerability is somewhere in between.” I’ve never heard that
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description before. It perfectly states the place we all want to be as parents. : )
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You nailed this one, thank you. My mother took away all my ‘how to be the perfect mother’ books after I gave birth and told me to use my instincts (which panicked me no end as I wasn’t sure I had any instincts). But it was the perfect advice.
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Grandmothers are just so wise, aren’t they? Those “perfect mother” books – almost comical when I look back on what I thought I could teach myself about motherhood through reading 🙂 Thanks for sharing!
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nobody perfect exists but the more we try and have, or get experience the more we learn and get close to our goal of what we think is perfection.. that’s because perfection can be different for different people, so each different person have separate roads they choose to walk..perfection is an objective matter, two people can be of the same faith but interpret it slightly different, or want the same thing but want it more or less than the other, etc.
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stupendous article and extremely well written!
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Thank you for the kind words!
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Thanks for this post. I was listening to a #USQSalon video this morning and he asked us to think about a group we don’t listen very often. The surprising one that popped into my mind was mothers. My sister has recently become a mother for the second time, and as a childless woman I stand on the sidelines watching again the immense workload, and internal and external pressures that can arrive along with your baby. I’m going to try listening to mothers’ stories more often.
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I think all of us have rich stories to tell 🙂 I hope that this blog can be a safe place for mine as well as others’ unique perspectives!
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I’m not a mother – wrong body parts! But raising 2 awesome kids has taught my wife and I the reality of your post. Well written and right on!
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Thank you for sharing!
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This is amazing…I wish I wrote this! All my feelings wrapped up into a perfectly polished post!
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Thank you for your thoughts!
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Oh, this is just lovely! In my experience, most people feel inadequate at most things they do but I think mothering just exacerbates all those feelings of self-doubt and insecurity. You’ve summed that up nicely, thanks!
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Thank you for these words. I totally agree and hope that, by naming these insecurities and fears, we all can find more peace as mothers 🙂
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Lauren,
I agree. I named them myself and in prayer and fasting, counseling and much work. I am growing closer than ever to my child as she grows into the lovely you women I am proud of. I have peace knowing that God is in control. He hears every mother’s prayer and heartbeat. We all want what is best for our children. Peace, success, love, Joy, Salvation. We counseled a lady last night who had a son who is on drugs and has the mind of a 12 year old. She was overwhelmed, tired, feeling inadequate and defeated. Well, it all boils down to, Let God be God. When we are facing defeat, if we give it all to Him, He will turn it around if yet you believe, pray, fast. I have seen miracles done! I know it can happen. God is our perfect Father, he wants us to be healthy and happy. Let His goodness guide you to be a great mother! He will bless that relationship for His Glory.
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Thank you for sharing. I think surrender is an essential part of mothering. We can’t do it all, and we have to know where our energy source is 🙂 God always amazes me with his grace and strength.
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Great piece!
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I have learned after twenty years of being a mother that I’ll never be a perfect mother but my wonderful children love me in spite of my flaws. Love your post!
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Thank you. That’s a beautiful perspective!
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Good post
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However imperfect, however vulnerable, a mother has a unique and honored place. Mothers provide shade against any scorching – physical, mental or emotional (from a short but dense Punjabi saying: mawaan, thandiyaan chawaan = mothers – cool and shady!). So bear up, mum, and give thanks that you son was in a mother’s shade in the pool and is now under yours where he will always be. Celebrate!
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Thank you for the encouragement. A mother’s shade is powerful indeed. Every day is truly a celebration of life with children.
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Good read. http://www.shesatomboy.com
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Nice, thanks for sharing
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Yes thank you
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like it
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Brilliant post! Hope my blogs can be like yours. Can you spare me some advice?
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My best blogging advice is to write for yourself. Others will find their own meaning in your words if you write long enough and diversify your pieces!
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Thank you Ms. Lauren. You did really well and I admire your blogs. Salamat! (Thank you – in Philippine language)
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Thank you 🙂
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Very well written
Beautiful article..!!!!
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I hope to be a mother someday but somehow that thought scares me to no end! Haha! Truly there’s no such thing as a perfect mother. Wonderful post
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I think parenthood should unsettle us enough to make us take the job seriously but not to the point of paralyzing fear. We all make mistakes, and, if we do it right, we learn from them 🙂
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You are so right 🙂
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gripping one!
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Very nice
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SsssOOooo true💓
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👍👍👍
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Perfection doesn’t exist,everyone makes mistakes
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Absolutely!
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Beautiful post. ❤
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From the moment I fell pregnant with my first child, it seemed the whole world became an expert on what was before me, glad to offer opinions and advise, oblivious if I wanted to receive such words. Now I simply tell my kids I’m a hopeless mum, they admit to being the spawn of satan, then we just get on with our day (but champagne helps!)
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Love your thoughts here. Yes, the world has much to say but little in the way of helping us achieve this ever-elusive “perfection”. It’s amazing how children illuminate our flaws just enough to show us how to love ourselves!
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Beautiful, loved this one!
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Beautiful, loved this one!
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Lovely
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Very well put! The strive for perfection is something I strive for, while realizing it is unattainable. I really only care that my daughter is healthy and happy, yet sometimes I DO want to hide behind a diaper bag during mommy talks at birthday parties and playgrounds!
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Thank you. I hope that my post shows you that we all have those moments 🙂
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Amazing! Loved it.
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So true! This happens with homeschooling moms as well. Loved your post.
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I can imagine it must. So glad you enjoyed it!
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I am not a mother yet, but I know personally my mother dealt with this kind of stuff all the time. Mom perfection just can’t be a thing, we should get rid of the very idea because perfectionism in general is just not possible so why should we expect mothers to always have it together.
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The solution is complicated, but it really shouldn’t be. I wish support, not judgment, was first offered.
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You would think support would come first instinct, but that’s just not the world we live in.
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Each child presents new challenges and we, as mothers, do the very best we can. Thank you for sharing and I’m glad your little one is alright.
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Yes, we do. Every mother’s best” is unique, and I think we forget that. Thank you for your kind words!
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Very well written and touching article!! A perfect mother??Gosh, is that even possible?? We try to do our best but often best is not enough but to that I say – So what?? No mother tries to harm her child intentionally. But we are human after all and make mistakes!! We are humiliated, hurt, shouted at by the kids but hey, that’s part of motherhood! When that happens, don’t forget to count the umpteen times your kid wrote those my mummy best drawings, ran to you for comfort from bullies, confided you their supersecrets sure in their hearts that you would keep it a secret… the list is endless. No mother is perfect but doing your best is enough!!
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“[T]he list is endless” – love that! Those moments indeed remind us of what is truly important 🙂
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‘The perfect mother ‘ concept is expecting too much from a human being. Similarly, the mothers and fathers should bear in mind that ‘ the perfect child’ concept is not worth pursuing. You have written about an important concept.
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I totally agree. If we can’t be the perfect parent, why expect the perfect child? Thank you for your thoughts here!
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Parenthood is so hard! Nobody really has it all together, they just want it to appear that way. Some more than others. I’m sure you’re a great mom!
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Thank you! The longer I am a mother, the better at tuning out certain voices I become, but it isn’t always easy 🙂
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Love this post! I felt a little unsure with my first but just knew I could it. I was born for this. After 32 years and 3 more kids, I feel like I know so little. Being there as a parent of adult children, I am not so sure about the advice anymore. I just know things will be okay, lol. I have my first grandchild and all I want to do with her is rock her, tell her about our Almighty Creator, listen and talk with her as she grows and tell her everything is in His hands.
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Beautiful insight here. I feel like every day brings more of a peace about letting go all of the unnecessary baggage of motherhood. Thank you for encouraging me to hold onto only that which is actually important 🙂
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Glad to be encouraging. As long as you show them love and they know they are cared for and safe, it’s all good. Keep your head up and know that you have support out here in the blogosphere.
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This is so true!
I was a baby myself with my older son and didn’t even begin to know what could happen to him on my watch.
Now, with them grown, I have every possible danger catalogued in my head!
More support, less judgement is what we all need. 🙂
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Absolutely. We are learning with them. I think about marriage similarly. Oh, what I am grateful I didn’t know at 23 (the age I was married)!
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I have a neighbor I avoid like the plague she is a bundle of partihood joy everytime we talk. I feel completely inadequate even though this isn’t my first rodeo and my first child while maybe an anomaly excels and I’m definitely more free spirited in my parenting approach. Maybe not free range but I like sugar, joy and kool-aid with a healthy dose of broccoli.
I’m happy your new experience ended with joy and relief. I enjoyed this thank you.
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Thank you for sharing. I think most mothers relatively new to the game have at least one person who fits this role in their lives 😉 Being openminded is essential to all stages of life, and I am glad you are confident in your journey. I think motherhood is best when it doesn’t fit nearly into any category 🙂
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Very true words.
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